Moving on..

A brilliant man named Erik Danielsson (occultist & front man of a band called Watain) had said something this past Saturday before his performance that has stuck to me like glue. 
''Every single day you wake up you are starting all over, every day that you live.'' 
This coming from a man I have great respect for spoke to me in a way that has never assimilated before.

I remember the day, April 25th in the year 2012 I walked into a room to discuss a typical accelerated
Heart rate. With my above average stressful lifestyle a fast heart rate is to be expected. Typical even.
If you have followed my multimedia rants, writings and sordid tales then you can see where this is going.....

I could compare this particular situation to shopping. Yes shopping. You walk into a new store, first time and you walk out with 3 bags full of things you do not need nor can you afford. Buyers regret?

My stroll into the new Heart specialists office, first time and I walk out with heart monitors, medications and a grip of test results in a big manila folder (4 hours later.) The bonus in the proverbial bag, A devastating diagnosis. Buyers regret.
This was one of those surreal situations that I can compare to a great song. You hear the lyrics but they also go in one ear and out the other. The rhythm sticks but you aren't sure what just happened but it moved you in some profound way. You go home and look up the lyrics...... now you know the meaning.

On this very day, April 25th 2012 my life changed and the information went in one ear and out the other.
I rush home best I can... well truth be told I sat down on the curb side with wires attached all over my body sobbing because I knew something happened but....... what.... I was told not to walk home, here I walk the residential streets of Beverly Hills wires and all, tears and all, calling my family spouting incoherent rambles.
Whatever I was staying to these select persons went in one ear and not out the other.
I now know that my words had come from my ever powerful subconscious.

For quite some time I had lived with a poorly but rapidly ticking time bomb in my chest.
If I could explain this to you in words, words that describes how you feel when a total stranger (you're paying money to) someone who knows only what you weigh, your height, your current medications and your new test results. Nothing more nothing less. How do you feel when the newest person in your life says
''you can die from this and at any point and time''.... oh and followed by ''medications will help, so will putting your career down, possibly for good.''
I ask.... while snortling and gushing facial fluids into a tiny tissue provided by said specialist ''What exactly does that mean?'' Die? Any time? Stop working?  and........ being ''monitored'' while living alone in a massively private gated suite. Nobody would find me. Nobody has access.

Well fuck me.

The most illuminating thing about all this at the time was having, at the very least a concrete reason for feeling like I am already dead. The living dead. I had been somewhere between coherent, emotionally available and
110 years old. Keep in mind that this was sudden. This feeling of looming death had struck in a matter of short weeks.

My materialistic and extravagant ways of being had now forced into becoming an austere being which basic survival was best fitted. Have I ever publicly complained about all my 17th/18th century furnishings I had to store as well sell? Doesn't do you well when you are relegated to sleeping on a 'raft', my cute name for an ever deflating inflatable mattress....

I remember a post I created on this very day in 2013. Lighthearted I suppose.
Living 3,000 miles from the dangers that lurked around the corner just two handfuls of months before.
So where does this bring us? It brings us 6,000 miles in a completely different direction.
So here I sit reflecting on the one thing I did not let flow out of the other ear two years back.....
''You need to put your career away indefinately or consider something else, it's in your best interest.''

Meanwhile this 6,000 miles away in Norway I am collecting images and writing for my arson of multimedia.
I am shooting and writing a book. I decided to pile on a few more tasks to the career I was once ready to abandon.





I amount of tests and medications Ive been gone through in the 2 years to this day eludes me completely.





I may never have a 'normal Heart function' and remember kids, this was brought on by an extreme lifestyle chocked with stress..... more like distress.
If you are doing what you love and following the current path your on....................
Nothing is going to stop you.
Nothing can stop you from growing.
Not will take you off this planet.










Today I congratulate myself.