I HAVE A BROKEN HEART

5 months of body/mind altering medications, blood work, X-rays, Nuclear Cardiac testing, EKGs, ECHOs, hospitalization & sleepless nights, I have received some alarming & life changing news (again).  In May my Heart function was 20%, I was living w the knowledge that I can go into 'Cardiac Arrest' aka ''sudden Death'' at any time, I had to completely change my life immediately or I would die. In July I had a 50%+ chance that I would receive a Cardiac Implant (machine) before my 33rd Bday in October.
I bullied my way into a third series Heart test/lab (not easily granted) & received results today.  My original diagnosis was that of a highly unusual & INCURABLE Heart disease 'Cardiomyopathy' & a condition 'Sinus Tachycardia' both deadly & possibly hereditary (Father).  Today I am approx 5% below 'perfect' Heart function. I do NOT have a Disease/Condition or fall into Sudden Death risk.  I ''HAVE A COMPLETELY NORMAL HEART.'' What I DID have was ''Stress Cardiomyopathy'' aka ''Broken Heart Syndrome'' (cute right?) Me: ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' Cardiologist: "YOU MAY HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK & DIDN'T KNOW IT BECAUSE YOU WERE SO ILL OR AT THE LEAST THE SAME SYMPTOMS OF A LEGIT HEART ATTACK.'' What is this Syndrome that mimics the incurable disease? I will tell you friends......
Something so traumatic and stressful both emotionally & physically happened to me that my Heart was ''shocked'' it went into near ''arrest'' causing severe tissue inflammation strangling valves, lack of oxygen & blood flow to my body and if not caught, medicated/treated I would be long dead this Summer. In lamens terms..... A HEART ATTACK but not from blockages (typical) but from ''extreme unusual stress to the Heart''.

This Syndrome unlike my original diagnosis had no long term damage to my ticker but my life is forever changed. I will be on medications for a long while (nasty side-effects) but to ensure this doesn't happen again.

I was told I could die and nearly did...... I felt like it.
Today I am ''Normal.''
5 months with a time bomb in my chest & I am finally ok.

The Doctor took a good look into my eyes & told me that if I do not lower my over all stress that I can get sick again.  He advised a complete career change, this is a hard pill to swallow.

How does a 32 year old non smoker/19 yr non meat eater/active/non drug user have a Heart Attack?

DEPRESSION. ANXIETY. LOSS. ILLNESS. MAJOR NOSE/SINUS SURGERY.  SLEEP DEPRIVATION. PRESSURE TO SUCCEED.
LACK OF SUPPORT. FEAR.  ....

This has altered every fiber in my body and soul.  
My life has forever changed. Again.

When I grow up........

When I was 17 I graduated High School. I stayed back in 1st grade due to a culmination of things such as an Autumn birthday (younger than most) and my inability to be kind to others and mainly wandering off to the craft table, ignoring any and all instruction. Keeping a 4 year old back solves the problems at hand......

I had been overly ambitious to work and 'carry my weight' before I was old enough to work.
I was able to work at 15 and immediately started working once graduated.
When I was a 'kid' I wanted to be an Artist. Nearly all of my classmates made plans, goals and stratergized for the glorious post graduation.  I was constantly called into meditations and counseling with teachers, also therapists to discuss my personal strategies. When I would tell everyone that I wanted to be and Artist I was directed to courses and structured learning programs that had nothing to do with my personal goals.

In the graduating year book I got 2 out of 7 superlatives. I worked 4 years towards receiving the 'most artistic' title. I was dubbed both Most Changed since 7th grade & Most Original.
They saved the 'best eyes' category for the brainless cheerleader. A care could be given that I had been the only one to receive 2 of 7, fore I am not 'most artistic'.
 
Once I graduated sans plans to attend college I had moved into my 1st apartment and head first into full time employment at my 'job'. I worked diligently at said job all the while dreaming of my purpose and that was to be an Artist.
Tied up in a noose and Polo collared shirt while donning a name tag (dancing around for kids parties) seemed like a means to an end, I would save money while working towards becoming an Artist.
I had soon lost track of any school mates as they had all gone to college, moved or scooted their own way towards personal success.  I had an opportunity via friend to move to New York City and use what little skills I had to manage a major Multimedia Art House and surely I was over my head. This would be one major lesson in the 'its all in who you know' department.
I made the leap and started managing successful Artists, facilitating a dream and in turn producing results for them.
I have a high profile job at 20 but I want to be an Artist. I radiate resentment strong enough to turn heads from the pulsating Macintosh machines. I would soon fail at holding this house of strictly right-brained individuals in harmony. I would soon pack up and go home.

Fast forward many years of menial jobs as constant as my dreams of grandeur to be an Artist.
I would soon meet an individual who ushered me into a position in the city again, a position managing a successful  Professional Photographer.  My job had become nearly effortless because I was facilitating the dream of an established, college educated and hard working professional Artist.

Once again the dreaded pattern emerges, resentment was thick, a visible cloud of disparity emanating from me at all times. My relationships failed. My goals out of reach and worse of all.... my health is failing due to emmence depression, anxiety and utter hopelessness. A complete lack of fulfillment.

I make a phone call. I pack my bags again. I leave.

With a pat on the shoulder from my Artist employer who with regret to his personal organizer and 'left brain' as it were, I am on my way out the door. ''Damn he will miss me''.

Before I go I am to receive a parting gift.

I am handed a Black bag and loosely, nonchalantly told:
''Take this and use it, you have more use for it than I do right now. In return I want you to write me  a letter and create a plan on how you are going to use this or it will no longer be yours, its that simple.''


When I opened the gifted bag my Heart sunk. I walked onto the train out of the Studio for my goodbyes.

I had donated half my possessions, ditched my car (literally), bought a one way plane ticket for a 3,000 mile destination in which I had never been.  I had a couch to sleep on, 2 suitcases, $400.00 cash/no reserve and an NIKON SLR CAMERA in a Black bag... I do have a plan.
Shortly after I get a position in a Fine Art studio in LA, managing and facilitating the dreams for Professional Artists. Amongst my peers I am recognized for being such and while my day job what just that, I was building my own reputation in a city of Sharks. My diligence paid off. 


I was given more than an expensive gift, menial to the giver and which I could never have afforded to buy.
I was given the opportunity, support and tools to be the artist I am.

It wasnt until this time I realized as clear as day that I came into this world an Artist. I will exist in this world as an Artist.  I will no longer facilitate others dreams only to neglect my own because I am in fact, a Professional Artist.


The years of resentment and 'failure' that I will have to struggle at working and never become something had surely taken a toll. You become weary and utterly enfeebled once you choose to believe your purpose  is out of reach. You become your thoughts. You choose the direction you go and not the high school counselors or Chuck E Cheeze Manager.

Years later my prized camera may not be the newest on the market but I can keep my head above water in the ocean of Sharks.

I am an Artist.


“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
-Dr. Suess


HTTP://WWW.KELEIGHBLACK.COM

Positive living through an negative outlook.

I have spent a decade in NYC, half a decade in Hollywood and a childhood in the country/forest of New England. My anxiety fueled tirades have a source. As an image creator and writer I have the sources and freedom to express myself and except any feedback on this multimedia social platform.
One thing to always expect is the lack of open mindedness I do often receive in passive aggressively masked comments; retorts from left field. What I do know is that much of my inspiration comes from the darker side of human existence and there is no shortage of Muses. I choose the people who are in my life making a conscious effort to exist amongst them weather it be for or a challenge or a paycheck. One gift that I have always had is the gift of seeing right through people and viewing the underlying desires they posses.           The gift of observation is a curse. It is nearly effortless to connect behaviors to constant patterns while watching individuals struggle like a duck on water, seamless on the surface with wild legs kicking beneath them to a desired destination and quickly.
So you enter a zone such as Los Angeles California and discover all sorts of characters, similarly in lovely New York City. Major cities attract a variant of personalities all extreme in nature, how else will you survive?   If you do not have the cult of personality traits you most certainly will gravitate towards them and cultivate into an entirely new creature. 
Not many will ever except the metamorphism and trust that they are just the same grounded individual they always have been.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "It will be ok" or"Everything will work out" not to forget my ultimate favorite....  "I (we) did what I (we) had to do..." I most certainly am not rich yet nor a grudge holder.
I am however, a Soothsayer, a deeply connected creature with an impeccable sense of smell for utter bullshit.  So many people are living in an alternate reality created on hype that is built off of envy as a result of self disgust. I am sad because many don't even recognize it. Let the money roll in and the compliments flow... this is the only fuel some need to wake up in the morning.
So am I negative? Is all I focus on perpetuate negativity? Absolutely not. I myself am in-tuned and utterly discussed with the self imploding social experiment we are partaking in.
Horror films, violent programs and 'dark' music doesn't fuel my negativity (as stated by many) I am living in a real and very grim world. We all are.
Playing video games, watching childrens programs/films and pretending I am a pretty princess in bright colors while doing Yoga every morning after my green shake doesn't calm me or put me in a perfect world.
Reading a fictitious book such as the Bible created by delusional  madmen while wearing a set of Mala beads after pruning my Bonsai trees doesn't thrust me into a majickal state of mind where the grim reality of our falling society doesn't exist.
I would ask those who are distracted so deeply with their personal goals to stop stepping on others to reach the top of your mystical mountain. You most certainly are going to tumble down head first with not a soul to save you at the bottom.
I have spent the last few years in a place so grim and fueled with selfishness that's mildly peppered with kindness that I have had to remove myself entirely in order to shed the layers.

I have retreated to the countryside for several months if not more, in order to focus myself and create a piece of art that may be so devastating and additionally life saving to many.

I will continue to speak my mind as the outside world enters my personal domain, if it resonates either positively or negatively..... do not scold me.

Take a look inside onlookers.

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today. And they believe that this is freedom. The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

Mes' Heart

I just underwent major sinus/nose surgery for the 2nd time and it has been said that it may take up to 6 months for the nerves inside of my face to grow back and regain feeling.
It is hard to smile when your upper lip feels rubbery like a giant eraser, the one you loved in 1st grade.

I would like to take a moment to thank modern science for such contrivances like the 'electrocardiogram' aka 'EKG' as fore this particular contraption has saved my life as where human error had nearly ended me.
This EKG was ordered via sinus surgeon to make sure my Heart could withstand going under-the-knife. Mandatory. A typical test that provided alarming numbers. Said numbers qualified me for an intimate 3 hour session of face mangling with a price tag of nearly $70+ thousand dollars (as well several months of post-op torture).


I request a moment to thank my general practitioner of medicine as it was his decision to 'green flag' my surgeries and nearly condemn me to the grave. This scholarly, deep pocketed individual has much of 3 years of my life in his hands as well, my bank account. I am confounded.

Damn! This healing feels unnatural, it feels arduous and when the fuck will I be able to feel my eyelid and lip again.....

I found the energy to get out of bed and off pain meds long enough to casually stroll into the best Cardiologist good ol' Beverly Hills had to offer up.... oh... it so happens to be the same individual suggested by my trifling GP. Just great.


MY FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH......
The man who saved my life.

Mister Heart Doctor, I just had a 'test' with unusually high numbers and a painful sinus surgery a few weeks ago, and um, I figured since I have the free time and suspicion that the numbers ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE ARE NOT REMOTELY CLOSE TO SEVENTY...... maybe you could shed some light?

Another Electrocardiogram...a few squirts of Surgi-lube and external fleshy probes and BOOM!!!
A print out of my entire electronic Heart information and total lack there of.

"Why Keleigh you actually had the surgery on your sinus/nose with THESE (above mentioned) numbers!!? Pleased to meet you and most surprised you have survived". Excellent. Now down to the dirty talk.
I have Severe Familiar (nice way of saying 'genetic') Cardiomyopathy disease... of the Heart.

It breaks down like this:
My heart is too large, to weak, misfiring at times, and doubly fast. Dangerously fast!
Aside from all the excellent verbiage my poor functioning Heart is working a quarter of what it should and will never be 100% as long as I shall live. More medications. Major lifestyle alterations.

Time to except that I have a time bomb in my chest that has qualified me for 'sudden death'.

I wear a medical alert bracelet.... most excellent technologies have improved with pills boxes too.


Join me on this misadventure and cautionary tale of my enfeebled Heart.

I am a ''glass half empty'' kinda girl.

My life is extraordinary in almost every way, this doesn't mean I am impervious to the things around me.
How I wish I was walking through my life with rosy glasses on.  Ignorance is bliss......
There will always be something that puts us in the shaky arms of the society we are in.
I cannot lower gas prices or provide better healthcare for people, etc. What I can do is shake off the rogues, unsought and otherwise trifling people in my path.  So in this time of uncertainty as to whether or not the World as we know it may end or if/when our spiritual awareness may shift (let us hope for the better) what are we to do while our bank accounts are draining so we can survive?  I have yet to meet one human individual that is not struggling either by sundown or sunrise... each day so long as they are breathing the same air as me.

I had very little as a child.
I was raised by a woman who beat nearly every single one of the unfortunate odds one might imagine.
'Very little' means basic meals, some used toys/clothes and remedial classes with very little structure.
I have sordid tales for days..... no story nor experience would describe the world I have lived in and I do not have the audacity to make comparison to anyone whom ive met in my years.
No matter the feat, or situation I am presented with, I always keep my head up as I have infinite spirit, a lovely bountiful gift ergo, I often feel impervious to the daily lamentations of others. I am simply detached.
So as long as I share this planet with others that are all moving through in uncalculable ways, I will keep my head up and my prodigious spirit because if its one thing I know.........

Most of the humans among us are purely mendacious and spiritless.
THEY  haven't any true misfortune other than the one bestowed at birth.
For THOSE of you that HAVE crossed my path...... I truly feel sorry for who you have become.