Positive living through an negative outlook.

I have spent a decade in NYC, half a decade in Hollywood and a childhood in the country/forest of New England. My anxiety fueled tirades have a source. As an image creator and writer I have the sources and freedom to express myself and except any feedback on this multimedia social platform.
One thing to always expect is the lack of open mindedness I do often receive in passive aggressively masked comments; retorts from left field. What I do know is that much of my inspiration comes from the darker side of human existence and there is no shortage of Muses. I choose the people who are in my life making a conscious effort to exist amongst them weather it be for or a challenge or a paycheck. One gift that I have always had is the gift of seeing right through people and viewing the underlying desires they posses.           The gift of observation is a curse. It is nearly effortless to connect behaviors to constant patterns while watching individuals struggle like a duck on water, seamless on the surface with wild legs kicking beneath them to a desired destination and quickly.
So you enter a zone such as Los Angeles California and discover all sorts of characters, similarly in lovely New York City. Major cities attract a variant of personalities all extreme in nature, how else will you survive?   If you do not have the cult of personality traits you most certainly will gravitate towards them and cultivate into an entirely new creature. 
Not many will ever except the metamorphism and trust that they are just the same grounded individual they always have been.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "It will be ok" or"Everything will work out" not to forget my ultimate favorite....  "I (we) did what I (we) had to do..." I most certainly am not rich yet nor a grudge holder.
I am however, a Soothsayer, a deeply connected creature with an impeccable sense of smell for utter bullshit.  So many people are living in an alternate reality created on hype that is built off of envy as a result of self disgust. I am sad because many don't even recognize it. Let the money roll in and the compliments flow... this is the only fuel some need to wake up in the morning.
So am I negative? Is all I focus on perpetuate negativity? Absolutely not. I myself am in-tuned and utterly discussed with the self imploding social experiment we are partaking in.
Horror films, violent programs and 'dark' music doesn't fuel my negativity (as stated by many) I am living in a real and very grim world. We all are.
Playing video games, watching childrens programs/films and pretending I am a pretty princess in bright colors while doing Yoga every morning after my green shake doesn't calm me or put me in a perfect world.
Reading a fictitious book such as the Bible created by delusional  madmen while wearing a set of Mala beads after pruning my Bonsai trees doesn't thrust me into a majickal state of mind where the grim reality of our falling society doesn't exist.
I would ask those who are distracted so deeply with their personal goals to stop stepping on others to reach the top of your mystical mountain. You most certainly are going to tumble down head first with not a soul to save you at the bottom.
I have spent the last few years in a place so grim and fueled with selfishness that's mildly peppered with kindness that I have had to remove myself entirely in order to shed the layers.

I have retreated to the countryside for several months if not more, in order to focus myself and create a piece of art that may be so devastating and additionally life saving to many.

I will continue to speak my mind as the outside world enters my personal domain, if it resonates either positively or negatively..... do not scold me.

Take a look inside onlookers.

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today. And they believe that this is freedom. The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 

Mes' Heart

I just underwent major sinus/nose surgery for the 2nd time and it has been said that it may take up to 6 months for the nerves inside of my face to grow back and regain feeling.
It is hard to smile when your upper lip feels rubbery like a giant eraser, the one you loved in 1st grade.

I would like to take a moment to thank modern science for such contrivances like the 'electrocardiogram' aka 'EKG' as fore this particular contraption has saved my life as where human error had nearly ended me.
This EKG was ordered via sinus surgeon to make sure my Heart could withstand going under-the-knife. Mandatory. A typical test that provided alarming numbers. Said numbers qualified me for an intimate 3 hour session of face mangling with a price tag of nearly $70+ thousand dollars (as well several months of post-op torture).


I request a moment to thank my general practitioner of medicine as it was his decision to 'green flag' my surgeries and nearly condemn me to the grave. This scholarly, deep pocketed individual has much of 3 years of my life in his hands as well, my bank account. I am confounded.

Damn! This healing feels unnatural, it feels arduous and when the fuck will I be able to feel my eyelid and lip again.....

I found the energy to get out of bed and off pain meds long enough to casually stroll into the best Cardiologist good ol' Beverly Hills had to offer up.... oh... it so happens to be the same individual suggested by my trifling GP. Just great.


MY FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH......
The man who saved my life.

Mister Heart Doctor, I just had a 'test' with unusually high numbers and a painful sinus surgery a few weeks ago, and um, I figured since I have the free time and suspicion that the numbers ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE ARE NOT REMOTELY CLOSE TO SEVENTY...... maybe you could shed some light?

Another Electrocardiogram...a few squirts of Surgi-lube and external fleshy probes and BOOM!!!
A print out of my entire electronic Heart information and total lack there of.

"Why Keleigh you actually had the surgery on your sinus/nose with THESE (above mentioned) numbers!!? Pleased to meet you and most surprised you have survived". Excellent. Now down to the dirty talk.
I have Severe Familiar (nice way of saying 'genetic') Cardiomyopathy disease... of the Heart.

It breaks down like this:
My heart is too large, to weak, misfiring at times, and doubly fast. Dangerously fast!
Aside from all the excellent verbiage my poor functioning Heart is working a quarter of what it should and will never be 100% as long as I shall live. More medications. Major lifestyle alterations.

Time to except that I have a time bomb in my chest that has qualified me for 'sudden death'.

I wear a medical alert bracelet.... most excellent technologies have improved with pills boxes too.


Join me on this misadventure and cautionary tale of my enfeebled Heart.

I am a ''glass half empty'' kinda girl.

My life is extraordinary in almost every way, this doesn't mean I am impervious to the things around me.
How I wish I was walking through my life with rosy glasses on.  Ignorance is bliss......
There will always be something that puts us in the shaky arms of the society we are in.
I cannot lower gas prices or provide better healthcare for people, etc. What I can do is shake off the rogues, unsought and otherwise trifling people in my path.  So in this time of uncertainty as to whether or not the World as we know it may end or if/when our spiritual awareness may shift (let us hope for the better) what are we to do while our bank accounts are draining so we can survive?  I have yet to meet one human individual that is not struggling either by sundown or sunrise... each day so long as they are breathing the same air as me.

I had very little as a child.
I was raised by a woman who beat nearly every single one of the unfortunate odds one might imagine.
'Very little' means basic meals, some used toys/clothes and remedial classes with very little structure.
I have sordid tales for days..... no story nor experience would describe the world I have lived in and I do not have the audacity to make comparison to anyone whom ive met in my years.
No matter the feat, or situation I am presented with, I always keep my head up as I have infinite spirit, a lovely bountiful gift ergo, I often feel impervious to the daily lamentations of others. I am simply detached.
So as long as I share this planet with others that are all moving through in uncalculable ways, I will keep my head up and my prodigious spirit because if its one thing I know.........

Most of the humans among us are purely mendacious and spiritless.
THEY  haven't any true misfortune other than the one bestowed at birth.
For THOSE of you that HAVE crossed my path...... I truly feel sorry for who you have become.

when I grow up I wanna be a Queen.

My dear trusted friend and co worker said something interesting today.
Said individual blames the Womens Rights Movement on the death of chivalry. 
She may be onto something. Really.
I have most recently been deep in conversation with my male and female trustees about this subject.
Seeking the rubric, also understanding the correlation between growing up in different parts of the country and the meeting/coupling rituals (and complete lack there of) Typical East Coast versus West Coast! Does this make sense? It certainly does if you are from one place and relocated to another.

The difference between dating men or women or both and how/where you grew up is so incredible telling and important. So many of the rituals and patterns are learned (some instinctual, naturally)

 There are some very basic dating structures I require in order to pique and maintain my attention:
I consider you impolite if you do not open the door for me (every door)
It is rude to introduce me as a 'friend', I have a strong name that needs no other handle.
Offering to pay for things is always appreciated (knowing well that I would not feel comfortable. Yes the thought still counts.
Walking on the curb side of the street. Important.

It has been mentioned, that men sometimes feel as if they aren't needed so they find that casual equality in the day to day actions.

I do in fact pay my own bills, I have my own home and 2 careers and this does not mean I don't like my hand held... or receiving flowers when there is no occasion particular.
I am uneasily impressed. I am however easily pleased.
In the end I buy myself flowers for no particular occasion. I don't walk close to the curb side and I always introduce myself by my full name. I like men who desire to please women and in all fairness are rewarded by being treated like Kings.

 

I feel you.

I have never felt it to be difficult to connect with others.
I have found myself easily submerged into various cultures of personalities and social situations.
I have found the key to understanding others begins with understanding yourself, truly, as this is a life long journey some of us have become closer to our destination than others.  
Honestly I can feel attached to a found plastic bag on the street if I was in the right moment with it.
Chemistry, interpersonal attraction, the attraction between humans that leads to friendships and sometimes romantic relationships.  Seriously how does this equation work? Personally.... I am terrible at math and royally suck at putting things together. 
Is chemistry Black Majick!? at least that I could wrap my head around.
So we are infact biochemical, organic machines filled with tubes, cords and gore (note previous blog) that operate habitually.
This operation happens unwillingly as all the other majick simply falls into place. Or does it?!
Out of all the wonderful belief systems flowing through our natural world, I truly believe that the vibration we push into the Universe (purposely or with out direct intention) is what is matched and mirrored.

Have you ever played with paper cut-out dollies with little outfits and accoutrements creating a little inanimate personality of your liking? And have you ever concocted a savory meal filled with all the random food items you love most (that generally do not blend well) creating the ultimate satiating meal?
I personally live in a world that is composed of Energy, Majick and Chemistry. I always give what I take, I rarely doubt. I always feel and I know who/what (even a rogue plastic bag on the street) I feel compelled by/to. This chemistry I will never ignore, I cannot fathom loosing the opportunity to feel closeness and grow.

To myself, nothing is more inspiring than feeling chemistry with those who feel the effectivity and return the sentiment.





“Invisible threads are the strongest ties”
Friedrich Nietzche



“Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration's shove or society's kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It's all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager.”
-Susan Sontag

When you have nothing to fear.

I just returned from my journey home to New England for my 32nd Birthday.
Birthdays are a joyous occasion filled with prizes, kind affirmations and allowance to do as you please (you just have to constantly remind people that day).  I don't mind the jet-lag and extreme weather changes, I do not mind wearing the same yoga pants (I despise yoga) for nearly a week as my daily costume. I do not mind the asthma/allergy attacks from the indigenous plant life thats dying off this time of year either..... did I mention several pounds from eating nothing but Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwiches w flavored coffees?

I spent 'the day' strolling through old Salem Massachusetts while holding my mothers hand, shopping for trinkets to adorn my home and body from this sacred place. The chilly Autumn air a constant reminder that the absolute coldness is about to take over, Winter will come.
We stood in the back of the organized groups when attending the 'tours'/museums while holding back giggles and remarks as we had known more than the staff in the 'Witch tours'.  While shopping I decided to buy another large Baphomet statue to replace the broken gifted one. My Mother was dead set on the 'gold brushed' in lieu of Black because it will most defiantly stand out with my color scheme..... I also purchased a Mjølner to wear around my neck, a gift from Mother. 
I realize how unique and understanding the woman who created me truly is, on that day.

I decided to drive through the New England countryside and let my mother sleep
The journey home at night was beautiful, I turned on the heat and put the window down a bit, to get the most of the experience. After years of not being granted (nor trusted) the permission to drive any of the parents vehicles it was nice to feel the privilege of chauffeuring a sleeping parent. A strange yet proud feeling.

 Birthdays and visits home are always filled w surprises.
My (only) sibling, we are as opposite visually as we are in our sacred beliefs had gifted me with 2 journals. 
I had not a single inkling that she had read my Blogs, rants and otherwise. Affirmation is fuel. Absolutely.


Although we had engaged in serious conversation at dinner, the place settings were old Corning wear ceramic dishes, them. Halloween jakolantern paper plates w witchy napkins, me. 
Even frozen peas taste better when mom microwaves them. I cannot be more serious. 


Many years ago I packed 2 suitcases, shoved a few hundred dollars into my wallet and walked off to the airport terminal with a one-way ticket to the other side of the country. I had zero idea what was on the other side nor did I know when I would see my family again... absolutely terrified, I didn't shed a single tear. 
This time I didn't want to close my eyes as I knew I would wake early to leave for 'home', the otherside of the country. I drove myself w mother as passenger to the airport, I wanted to drive in the pouring rain.
I had zero uncertainly upon my arrival 'home' as I knew my house keys were safe in my work desk, my pet was cared for as well bills/rent paid before leaving. The familiar faces and work schedule await along with a social life I utterly thrive on. Back to the grind in which I love.

The second the automatic airport doors closed me in, tears fell. I have not felt sadness like this before.

- My home in New England.








 

 































I have loved before and to the point of madness.

I used to always be afraid.

Overcoming fear doesn't happen instantly or automatically.
Overcoming fear requires deliberate intention and conscious action if you desire results. I am constantly enthralled with an idea, often to the point of madness. If I do not fulfill these intuit driven ideas..... I get angry, displaced, down right depressed. Nothing is more debilitating than depression especially to a proactive artist.
It is easy to feel disconnected and anxiety ridden and these are my ques to get off my ass and face said fear(s)!  I have recently faced a great fear and I have made this fear my slave. My ultimate goal is to conquer thine enemy.... create! Create! Create! Inspire!!!!  
Fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy guaranteed and it will fuel all of your worst fears. The horror. 
The nature of the mind is to make coherence of the world and if you feel undeserving, that behavior in particular contradicts this (have you heard about Law of Attraction?)

I have photographed and time lapse video captured my most recent, triumphed fear.
This I will share with you soon.



"How much pain they have cost us,
the evils which have never happened."
-Thomas Jefferson


"Leap and the net will appear"
-someone super smart